Are you ready for your child’s transition to college?
When my oldest child was 16, he got his driver’s license, began working at his first “real” job, and started dating—all within two months. I felt like a bus I didn’t know was coming had stopped by my house, picked up my son, and headed to unknown destinations. I was emotionally unprepared for how fast these milestones had arrived and felt like I was running after the bus saying, “Wait! You forgot your lunch!” I had doubts about whether my husband and I had adequately prepared him for these new experiences.
Just a few years later, he was off to college, and I had even more of that how-is-this-happening-and-no-way-am-I-ready-for-this feeling. I discovered that even though I didn’t feel ready, he did.
The intellectual understanding that college is the next appropriate stage on your child’s journey does not mean we are emotionally prepared for the change. We naturally get excited when change is our choice. We look forward to getting married, accepting a new job, traveling to a bucket-list destination, or choosing a new place to live. However, when change chooses us, like milestone birthdays, incurable illness, unexpected loss, financial setbacks, or even having one less person at home when college begins, we can feel caught off guard.
Life changes; God doesn’t
Fortunately, God never changes. Malachi 3:6 says, “For I am the Lord. I change not.” If we examine what we know about God, we know He promises to be our Provider (Philippians 4:19). That won’t change. He promises to be our Protector (Psalm 121). That doesn’t change. He promises to love us (Deuteronomy 7:12) and never to leave us (Deuteronomy 31:8). He is faithful and trustworthy (Psalm 100:5, 145:13) for all our days. That is a certainty! These truths about God give us the fortitude to face all kinds of change.
God is always ready. Even when changes in our children’s lives come more quickly than we expect (or wish), we can learn to set our eyes on the One who wants to bless us in the midst of all of it. If we focus on these truths, we can be ready when they are.
Embracing and preparing for change
Our willingness to embrace this new season for our child and our family is vital to their success in the transition. If we manage our expectations and initiate meaningful conversations with our college-age children, the change can be a little smoother for everyone.
As you get ready to send your son or daughter to college, don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings and your hopes and dreams for them, but also talk about areas where things are likely to be different. I’ve found it helpful to have planned conversations about specific topics and create opportunities where both parent and student can share expectations. It’s also beneficial to think about this process as an ongoing dialog, not just a single conversation.
And it’s always best to do when the time is right for your student. You may find some moments as you’re preparing and packing in the coming weeks. Perhaps you’ll find the right opportunity during orientation. Or, it may be that the topic will come up naturally when you hit a communication bump in the road once they’re at school.
Topics to discuss with your college student
Below are some specific areas that will be changing in your relationship or communication dynamic—and suggestions for navigating conversations.
Communication
Has your habit been to text throughout the day and know the play-by-play of your child’s life? Your student may now want some space in this area and will appreciate a discussion about how often you each hope to be in touch. Sharing expectations and respecting boundaries will help your child know that you trust them and be an affirmation of their independence.
Grades
In college, grades aren’t sent home to parents, and there are no online portals for the parents to log in and see how their child is doing. Additionally, the Federal privacy act (FERPA) dictates that you cannot access grades unless authorized by your student. Chat with your student about their desire for both independence and support in this area.
Visits home
My children went to school in the town where we lived, but we made it clear that even if we let them know about local family gatherings, it was their choice to opt-in or opt-out as they saw fit. This method worked great for our family. Conversely, I had seen great stress put on students when their families expected the local college student to stay as engaged with the family as they had been before.
If your student is away from home but within driving distance, do you or your child expect that they’ll come home every weekend? It’s important to encourage your child to assimilate into campus life, and some of the most valuable social and emotional growth can happen on the weekends. You may want to talk through what they might miss from campus life if they don’t ever experience downtime on campus? Will coming home make it easier or harder to do their classwork? Even commuter students will have new boundaries to set: Is it realistic for you to expect them home each night for dinner? Would it be healthier if you encouraged them to have some study nights on campus?
Finances
It’s good to talk upfront about what expectations and freedoms there will be in this regard. When my sons went to school, we decided that I would be joint on their bank accounts to assist them in transactions and transfer money to them quickly, if needed. However, I chose not to micro-manage their spending because I wanted them to learn the realities of cash flow on their own (that didn’t mean I didn’t raise my eyebrows at times when making those transfers!).
The key in all these areas—and other topics you may identify—is to discuss them. Talking about mutual expectations with our college students brings a greater likelihood of peace in our relationships.
The ultimate support
The most important thing for new college students to know is that their parents or guardians trust them, believe in them, and support them. If you open the lines of communication and show that trust and support, your student is more likely to reach out and value your input.
Most importantly, God is the ultimate partner in your child’s education, and the conversation you want to have every single day is with Him. Praying for your child is a beautiful way to support them on their college journey. I find so much peace and joy turning my children over to the Lord daily, knowing that whether they succeed or whether they fail, they are His and in His care. He loves them more than I ever could, and I do well to stand aside and let Him do His work—especially when His work is taking place through their struggle. It is what makes them strong!
I have also learned the power of giving thanks in all circumstances. Gratitude is a tool to share with your student whenever they reach out to you with concerns. Learn to listen. Learn to give thanks for the situation that God will use to teach and refine them. Learn to turn their hearts toward thankfulness because it puts them in a better place for working through the problems.
If you are struggling with the thought of sending your son or daughter to school and all the changes that will come with that, know that you’re not alone. Have confidence that the preparation you have given your child is what they need, and that God will be more than able to fill in any gaps. Keep the lines of communication open and practice gratitude for all that has been and all that is yet to come.
You’ve got this, parents!
Nancy Zugschwert is a freelance communicator and mother of four (three college graduates, one still on the journey). She holds a Master of Arts degree in Strategic Leadership from North Central University.
